Great job on this, really enjoyed reading it. Your visual cues and descriptors were spot on and really provided interesting ideas. For me, I would like to see more of those sharp ideas fleshed out and maybe cutting some of the rest. I have a contraction of your piece below, I hope it helps. Great work, looking forward to future renditions!
Heads sink beneath black waves
No light
Depths enfold, spiral
A knife gores between the ribs.
Fast. Hard. Jagged
But you like it.
Cough and hiss; your flesh is flayed.
Coals heat your eyes, spreading shredded wings to fly.
Plummet, the soaring will plummet.
Frozen dread of a depth-less ocean will whisper.
“Inhale.”
Frozen, tumbling in black
Tear your mask off and struggle, paddle.
Light shines, burns the brine from your back, sears
Off the coral. The water boils, tremendous bubbles.
But from your perch, every sea is only just a lake.
Hey, I appreciate the feedback, and I think the rearrangement is really cool; nobody has done that for me in a review before.
ReplyDeletejust to clarify--the rearrangement or the restructuring rather, is an example of your suggestion, right?
No problem, I took some cues from Jen's suggestions blog(cool stuff there) and thought it was a neat way to gather different perspectives and aid in revision. Yes, I think it would actually be more of a rearrangement rather than a straight contraction. You had too much good stuff in there for me to contract too much.
ReplyDeleteBut yea, whatever the technical term, my suggestion above is just an idea of what I found to be the essence of your piece and how it formatted in my mind.
Oh yea, by 'my mind' I mean MS Word.
ReplyDelete